Everything is in pieces. I think human minds in default configuration cannot process this kind of event.

Rene Ordoñez is an incompetent idiot. We called him, we even called the OB because we thought he might Rene might be a dick. I should have just taken her into the hospital right away. He said she was just colic, that's why she cried. But that wasn't it. Her poor body was so messed up. She fought all day before we went to the hospital, we just didn't know. Maybe it's my fault for not being a crazy protective parent and bringing her in for everything. If she would have gotten in earlier...

She fought for over a day in the hospital. With everyone working on her, she struggled and was so strong. How can such a precious creature be submitted to this?

My wife and I were waiting so long for this little one. Why to us? There's people every day that get knocked up and never want kids. There are morons who, for reasons I can never ever understand, have abortions. Why don't THEY have their kids die on them instead? Ever since we were dating Gaby and I wanted this little girl. I spoke to Mei almost every day. Gaby took the best care of herself. We did everything good parents should do. Mei was our whole life! Why do we get punished? There's enought shit parents out there with kids, why not take one of the?

Why out of all the doctors in the country, we get the one who didn't give a flying fuck? While I was at the hospital, I thought about how Rene would pay. Right after Mei died, I tried to go hunt him down (everyone stopped me). I wanted to see HIM on a breathing tube. Revenge is a dish best served cold? Right now, I don't care. Even if I could watch him die, even after we get his license stripped and never able to work in medicine again, there's no satisfaction. Nothing matters anymore. He's still going down, since who knows how many other people he will hurt. But that doesn't help me now.

A recruiter from Microsoft Consulting Services has been emailing me for the past while. If only I would have accepted her offer. Full health care, decent doctors. My only problem would have been my wife saying she wanted her family to see and hold little Mei. Right now I'd be on a webcam, holding mini Mei in my arms, showing her to family.

G-d be with you, they say. Well, that's great. He shoulda been there before. Now it's a bit too late, unless there's an 18th level cleric who can cast resurrection on her. I don't get it. If her getting sick is Stan's work, and G-d was going to do a miracle, then why is it all of a sudden G-d's magical plan now that Stan killed her?

They say these kinds of incidents make your faith grow. I'm not sure who they are, but I'd like to know what they're smoking. I flip back and forth: Believing, and giving up the shred of faith I had left. We had hundreds of people praying for her, and what good did it do?

Perhaps I'm not supposed to be bitter, sarcastic, questioning G-d. Perhaps it's His way of showing me something. It's quite a crappy way of going about it, if I may be so presumptuous. Having her in the hospital and being so sick was a big enough of a lesson.

Gaby says that Mei was a little angel, one of G-d's special angel. She says He got confused and accidentally sent us to her, but had to take her back. I think I'd like to believe that. Julie told me that Mei will come back to us in a different body (can't get any more perfect, scroll down and look at her beautiful face). I want to belive that too. So if anyone still believes in praying for us or whatever, that'd be my only request. Pray that I can believe in something beautiful and have peace.

We're going to her burial now. I didn't want to go. Last night, I went into the room after she had moved on. I gave her body a little kiss on the cheek. Her eyes were closed. That was the hardest thing. During the day, she was looking into my eyes, squeezing my finger. My little girl, with her darkest blue eyes, just staring around, glancing at me. And those eyes are closed. I was in the room when they turned off her oxygen machine. That was horrible.

I don't want to go the burial. I don't believe in it. Mei is not there anymore. but Gaby says we created and brought her in, and regardless if Mei is not there, her body is, and it's a perfect, beautiful body. I think that, just like going into the OR afterwards, it's something I will regret if I do not do it, even if it hurts.

I miss you so much Mei. I can never describe how happy I was when you were with us, and how sad I am now that you are not. I love you forever and always my perfect divine little one.